


Blue

by deathclassic



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: AU, Asexual!Phil, High School, M/M, Sexuality Crisis, chubby!Dan, cross dressing, cross dressing!Dan
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-30
Updated: 2017-05-30
Packaged: 2018-11-06 19:53:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,546
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11043186
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/deathclassic/pseuds/deathclassic
Summary: He needs to leave the table for a bit and calm himself down, this often happens on dates or crowded places. He excuses himself and goes to find the bathroom. He walks into the male toilets and is met with a sight that he hasn't seen before.Someone bending over in purple lace panties.





	Blue

**Author's Note:**

> hello hello, so my friend asked me to write an asexual phil fic bc she's ace and didn't feel like there was a lot of representation so when i wrote about phil I just took what she felt, obviously everyone is different this is just one perspective

Phil wasn't anything special. He goes unnoticed by most people in his school and doesn't have many friends. It wasn't like he tried to stand out, he preferred to be invisible to his peers, he didn't like having all the attention on himself. He figured that their attention can be diverted to someone who deserves it, a great singer, a spectacular artist or even a maths wizz, because he's just Phil. Plain and boring, Phil. 

He's awkward, clumsy, mediocre at most things and just doesn't know how to interact with people without making a stupid remark. And he's fine with being alone, he likes going unnoticed and he likes having few friends and he's content with his life. 

It's lunchtime when one of his closest friends Matt walks over and plops down on the seat in front of him with a small smirk on his face. Phil knows this look, Matt does it when he's going to ask Phil for a favour, one that he knows that he wouldn't want to do in fear of making a fool out of himself. 

 

"So, you, me, hot girl and her friend, double date tthis Friday" Matt smirk turns into a grin "You in?"

"No" Phil says placing a bookmark in his Stephen King novel that he's read repeatedly. 

"Please!" Matt all but begs "She only agreed to go on a date if I could find a date for her friend!"

"What about Daffy?" Phil asks already knowing that the answer will be that the friend is not interested in girls. 

"She's not into chicks" Matt lets out a huff "C'mon, if you do this for me, I'll go anywhere you want on the weekend, even that big ass bookshop in the next town over! I'll drive you!"

Phil bit his lip nervously as he squirmed in his seat and straightened his school shirt. "You promise?"

"Yes!" Matt nearly shouts "Is that a yes from you?"

"I, um, yes" 

"This is why you're my best friend"

"And Daffy isn't?"

"Don't tell her" he winks 

 

Phil has been on two dates in his life and both of them ended up terribly in his books. He doesn't see the point in all of this, he doesn't like the intimacy of a date and feels awkward as he asks questions about her life and she doesn't make an effort to ask him back. So when Friday rolls around and Matt parks outside his house, honking the horn obnoxiously with the two girls already in the car, Phil bids farewell to his mother and makes sure he has his wallet. 

He awkwardly climbs into the backseat of the car, normally he's in the front because of his legs but Matt's date was daintly perched on his seat, checking her phone. The girl next to him was pretty, he can admit that, she was slim and had shoulder length ginger hair and a nose piercing which Phil found himself looking at before realising it's rude to stare.   
Matt revs the engine with his questionable driving skills that makes all their heads fling back from the sudden speed and starts the introductions. 

 

"Phil, this is my date Maddie and your date Emily, Emily this is your date Phil, Maddie this is my best mate Phil and I'm Matt, glad we all know each other" Matt explains as he cuts off a driver, the sound of their car horn echoing around his head. 

 

Phil, being the polite person he is, turns to Emily and sticks out his hand as to which she stares at for a second before shaking it. 

 

"It's nice to meet you" Phil says honestly

"You too" she replies curtly. 

 

Phil doesn't like the place Matt chose for a date. It looked like a fancy pub with the amount of beer that seemed to be on the menu but the people didn't look like normal pub goers. There was a band playing on stage at one end and the noise was drowning out all conversations that were happening. He felt out of place with his button down shirt and skinny jeans - with no rips - and black framed glasses. They all looked out of place excpet for Matt who was dressed for the venue having apparently been here before.   
Phil orders some chips and a soft drink which Maddie and Emily scoff at when he stutters thtough giving his order to the waitress. They both order a water and Matt orders a burger and a cider. Phil felt like he would be driving home. 

He didn't like Emily. She was looking at the place with a condescending look on her face, scrunching her nose up in disgust at all the people and placing her hands over her ears to drown out the loud drums and guitars. 

He needs to leave the table for a bit and calm himself down, this often happens on dates or crowded places. He excuses himself and goes to find the bathroom. He walks into the male toilets and is met with a sight that he hasn't seen before. 

 

Someone bending over in purple lace panties. 

Phil's eyes widen in shock because he definitely has walked into the male toilets, there were urinals over on the far wall and he doesn't realise he's still staring until the person stands up and turns around. 

 

"Enjoying the view?" they ask in an amused voice 

"What?" Phil utters out, blinking out of shock because they had a deeper voice than he expected. 

"You were looking at my ass" they raise an eyebrow "Did you like it?"

"I wasn't" Phil stumbles "I wasn't looking at your bottom"

"Yes you were, I saw you"

"I, um, I didn't mean to? I'm sorry for looking"

"You're sorry?"

"Yeah, um, it wasn't my place to look but I just wanted to use the toilet and you were bending over when I walked in" 

"You definitely enjoyed it" they smirk and brush past him and disappear into the pub. 

 

True to his word, Matt did go with Phil to the bookshop and Phil bought some new reading material but his mind kept drifting to the boy, was he even a boy?, in the panties. He's never heard, much less seen, of a boy wearing lady underwear before but he guesss it was fine. They looked good on him, they framed his ass and the colour suited his creamy skin. The concept was new to him. 

 

"Phil was acting weird on Friday" Matt says to Daffy when they all meet for lunch on Monday in the school courtyard. 

"When isn't Phil acting weird?" Daffy laughs which Phil smiles softly at, knowing it was all in good spirits. 

"He looked kinda shell shocked"

"Was he so traumatised by the date you forced him on?" Daffy turns to Phil "Were you traumatised?"

"Yes" 

"There you go" Daffy crosses her arms on the table "Case closed"

"Nah" Matt waves her off "It was after he came back from the toilets"

"Did someone catch you with your hand down your pants, Phil?" Daffy laughs as Phil's cheeks turn pink, standing out agaisnt his pale complexion 

"No!" Phil squeaks out, mortified 

"Did you see someone else with their hands down their pants?" Daffy intergates "C'mon, what did you see?"

"I saw a boy?" Phil says but it ended up more as a question

"You saw a boy in the male toilets?" Matt asks "Shock horror!"

"But he was wearing panties" Phil bit his lip unsure how they'd react 

"You saw a boy wearing panties?" Matt deadpans "That's what you're traumatised over? 

"I wasn't expecting it"

"Did they look good?" Daffy questions 

"I, I, I mean, yeah? I guess so?"

"Then what's the big deal?"

 

School is over and Daffy is offering to buy Phil a coffee after his traumatising date that Matt forced him on because she's a good friend. Phil's holding two books on his lap that didn't fit in his school bag as he arches his legs in her tiny car. They drive to their normal coffee shop, on a street just off the main road and park a street over. Phil's considering carrying his beloved Stephen King books with him but Daffy convinces him to leave them in the car and that they won't be stolen. Phil was still uncertain but leaves them behind. He felt awkward without his books, his arms felt too long for his body as they hung by his side and swung loosely.

 

"Caramel macchiato?" someone calls out and Phil walks towards the pick up area to retrieve his beverage when another hand collides with his own outstretched one. 

"Sorry" Phil apologises immediately 

"Oh, we ordered the same drink" the voice sounds familiar and after a few seconds realises it's the boy from the bathroom. He didn't recognise him with the heart shaped sunglasses on his face. 

"You can have this one" Phil rubs his arms nervously "I'll wait"

"No, you probably ordered before me, I only placed my order a few minutes ago" he pushes the drink towards him "Here you go"

"Thanks" Phil grabs the drink and wants to turn around and go back to Daffy but the boy is looking at him, Phil assumes he is because he's faced in his direction but he can't see his eyes behind the dark sunglasses. 

"You were the boy staring at my ass!" he clicks his fingers as he realises. A few people around them look up at the outburst. 

"Sorry" Phil apoligises again 

"No it's okay" he adjusts his large sweater and flips his sunglasses up to rest in his shaggy hair. "You got a name?"

"Phil"

"Phil?" he chuckles "We have the most basic white boy names in the world"

"Do we?" Phil asks 

"Yup"

"I don't know what your name is" Phil looked to see Daffy looking at him with a weird expression, probably wondering why Phil of all people is talking to a stranger. 

"It's Dan" 

"Dan" Phil repeats "That's a nice name"

"Thanks" Dan shrugs offhandedly "I thought you would have a cooler name"

"Like what?" 

"I don't know, maybe Blue? Because your eyes are like, really blue, like you could go swimming in them"

"I don't know anyone called Blue" 

"My brother's name is Forest so maybe I'm just used to weird names" Dan shrugs again and reaches out for his own drink as his they call it out. He takes a sip and leaves a faint pink stain on the edge of the takeaway lid. "I've gotta go but we'll probably see each other again soon if you come here a lot, your drink is probably cold" with that he turns on his heel and walks out the door leaving Phil to numbly take his lukewarm drink and return to his table. 

 

"Who were you talking to?" Daffy asks before he even sits down, leaning over the table as she did so.

"Dan" Phil takes a sip "He was the boy wearing panties"

 

Phil's never felt like this before, he keeps thinking about Dan. Dan with his shaggy and somewhat curly hair, Dan with his deep dimple, Dan with his creamy skin, Dan with his chubby thighs that looked so good in the bathroom light, Dan with his purple panties, Dan with his heart shaped sunglasses, Dan with his pink lipgloss. He couldn't get him out of his head and it made him anxious. 

He's wondering if what he's experiencing is a crush. He's never had one before but he's read about them in books and how they apparently make your tummy nervous and your heart race and they won't leave your mind. He thinks he has a crush on Dan but he doesn't know Dan and that's the problem. He doesn't know when he'll even see the pretty boy again and that makes him nervous because what if he never sees Dan again?

Never doesn't happen because it's only six days after the cafe incident and Phil's meant to be going to Matt's house for a movie night. He's walking by himself as Matt doesn't live too far away so he's alarmed when a car pulls up next to him and rolls down the window. 

 

"Hey!" a voice calls out and Phil's immediate reaction is to turn around and make sure that someone else isn't behind him. "Blue! It's me! Dan!"

"Oh" Phil bends down so he could properly see Dan in the car "Hello"

"Why you out walkin' about?" Dan asks adjusting the same heart sunglasses and pushing them back up his nose. 

"I'm going to my friends house" 

"What were you going to do there?"

"Watch some movies, he let me pick this time"

"And what did you pick?" Dan asks intrigued and amused 

"Lord Of The Rings" Phil replies awkwardly and Dan let's out a loud laugh. It shocks Phil because he didn't think anyone this pretty would have a laugh so out of character. 

"You a nerd then?" Dan asks but he wasn't being mean, he was generally curious. 

"I guess so" Phil shrugs not knowing what else to do. 

"That's cute" Dan smiles at him "You don't have to agree to this, but do you want to go somewhere with me, right now?"

"But I'm going to a friends house"

"Do you think they'd mind if you say, you were going on a date with someone?" 

"A date?"

"Yes"

"Oh" Phil pauses "No, they would be happy, I think"

"Great! Come on then, get in the car"

 

Phil with his awkward limbs scrambled into the passenger seat of Dan's car, his knees touching the dashboard uncomfortably. 

 

"Can we move the seat a little?" Phil asks 

"You're really tall" Dan laughs as he leans over and pulls the lever under Phil's seat to slide it back. 

"Sorry"

"You apologise a lot" Dan shakes his head, his hair flying out of place and back into place in a second "How tall are you?"

"6'5" Phil bites his lip nervously. 

"Wow" Dan says impressed "I'm only 5'5"

 

Phil didn't know what to say to that so he nods politely and fishes his phone out of his pocket to text Matt that he apparently has a date. He's never been on a date on his on circumstances, this is very new to him. He watches as Dan switches the stereo on and bops his head to the song that was playing, Phil has never heard this song before and he kind of likes it but he felt too awkward to ask for the song. 

 

"Do you like The Front Bottoms?" Dan asks as he glances over momentarily at Phil and concentrates on the road again. 

"Is that the band playing?" Phil asks dumbly making Dan bark out another loud laugh 

"Yes, Blue" Dan's still smiling and Phil stares because he can't seem to do anything else but stare at Dan. Dan's wearing a skirt, like the one he was wearing when Phil saw his panties, it's short and shows off his thick thighs. It's pale pink which looks nice against his skin. He's also wearing a top that shows off his tummy and the skirt digs in and makes some of it spill over the top as love handles. "Why do you keep looking at me?"

"Huh" Phil's startled out of his little daydream and coughs to clear his throat. "Sorry"

"You need to stop apologising, Blue" Dan smiles and his eyes crinkle a little. "I don't mind you looking at me"

"You look very nice" Phil replies instead "I like your skirt"

"Thank you" Dan's still smiling "I bought it the other day"

"It suits you" Phil continues politely, it really does. "I don't think I've seen a boy wear a skirt before unless you count like Scottish people"

"Have you now" Dan hums "There's a first for everything isn't there?"

"I guess so" Phil pauses and focuses on the music again "I like this band"

 

Phil's not sure where they're going but they've definitely left the main road, The Front Bottoms are still playing on the stereo and Dan's mouthing the lyrics and tapping the simple drum beats with his painted nails on the steering wheel. The roads are still busy and the sky has turned into various shades of oranges, pinks and blues. 

 

"The clouds are the same colour as your skirt" Phil points out 

"It is, isn't it?" Dan muses "Your eyes are the same colour as the sky before it started to set"

"Oh" Phil's not used to getting compliments, the extent of compliments are on his height and he's not sure if they count or not. "I don't get compliments a lot"

"Really?" Dan seems surprised "Wow, I was expecting someone like you to be a babe magnet"

"A babe magnet" Phil repeats "I don't think I'd like being a magnet"

"No?" Dan stifles a laugh

"I quite like being invisible" 

"With your height?"

"You'd be surprised"

"I am surprised" Dan turns down a dirt street and suddenly Phil's even more nervous. "We're here"

"Where is here" Phil asks looking around and seeing lots of cars parked. It's a carpark. 

"The fair" Dan smiles waving an arm around and gesturing to the lights of the rides that are across the field. "How's this for a date?"

"I've never been on a date before"

"You just keep surprising me, don't you"

 

Dan's walking ahead of him, everyone's eyes on him but he doesn't seem to care. If everyone was looking at Phil, he'd probably implode. His thighs are rubbing together and sometimes his crop top rides up even more and his skirt swishes higher than it probably should but Phil can't take his eyes off of him. He understands why everyone is looking. 

 

"I'm going to win you a stuffed toy" Dan reaches out and tugs at Phil's hand. Phil's stomach drops when he feels Dan's hand in his and he really likes it. "Do you want the bear or the elephant?"

"The elephant?"

"Alright, I'll win you an elephant"

 

It takes Dan nine tries to knock down all the cans and nearly $40 in cash which Phil felt bad about but Dan assured it was okay as he manages to knock down all the cans and proudly gives the taller boy his stuffed elephant. 

 

"What are you going to name it?" Dan asks as they walk to the food stalls in search of fairyfloss. 

"Buffy"

"Buffy?"

"Yes"  
"After the vampire slayer?"

"You know Buffy the Vampire Slayer?" Phil asks in shock 

"Of course I do!" Dan exclaims standing in line to the stall "I don't live under a rock and I'll have you know, I am a nerd as well"

"You're a nerd?" Phil asks not understanding how someone as beautiful as Dan could like anything remotely nerdy. 

"Duh" Dan laughs, Phil could listen to that all day "My favourite pass time is playing video games"

"Me too" Phil says shyly "And reading"

"I love reading as well!" Dan replies enthusiastically "What do you like to read?"

"Stephen King mostly" Phil shrugs "And comic and graphic novels"

"Horror fan, aye" Dan pauses to order his fairyfloss and moves aside while they gather the pink sugar on a stick. "I get scared easily in films"

"I like it"

 

Dan lets out one of his beautiful laughs again and reaches out to grab hold of his fairy floss. It matched his skirt and the pink blush appearing on his cheeks. 

 

"I don't think I've met anyone like you, Blue" Dan says as they walk around, Dan occassionally licking his lips to pick up stray pieces of the fairyfloss. 

"Is that a bad thing?" Phil asks, shoving his hands in the pockets of his slightly too short jeans that showed off his missmatched socks. 

"No, it's a great thing" Dan looks up at him "Most people just want to get in my pants and leave"

"Oh" Phil pauses "I wouldn't do that"

"I know"

"Why do people want to" Phil feels awkward talking about this stuff. He doesn't understand how Matt and Daffy can talk about being intimate so openly when he just stutters and blushes his way through like a child in their first sex education lesson. "Um do that with you?"

"Cos I'm me" Dan shugs "It's not a bad thing but sometimes they treat me like shit, you know? Like I'm a guy who wears panties and skirts and crop tops and some dudes are really into that kind of thing but they call me a girl and say things like 'gonna fuck that cunt of yours' and it hurts?"

 

Phil's not sure what to say so he just nods along like he understands even though he doesn't. Doesn't understand why someone would use words like that when describing....that. Dan seems to get the hint that Phil's uncomfortable as he directs Phil's attention to the hall of mirrors. He chucks out the sticky stick on their way over and fishes his phone out to, what Phil assumes, to take pictures. He stands to the side as Dan stands in the first one, one leg bent at the knee and one hand resting on the waistband of his skirt. He must take a lot of mirror selfies to get into a good pose immediately. Phil's not sure if he's ever taken a selfie willingly, he's been in other peoples - other people being Matt and Daffy - but he's never taken one by himself or been the one holding the camera. 

 

"C'mon then! Get in the mirror with me!" Dan exclaims motioning Phil over. Phil stands slightly behind Dan, not knowing how to pose or where to look. "You're really awkward aren't you?"

"Sorry"

"No, I like awkward" Dan assures him. He gets out of his pose and grabs hold of Phil's hands sending shivers down his spine. "Here, place your hands on my waist like this and just do your adorable smile, yeah?"

 

Phil can't really breathe properly at the moment because his large hands are actually touching Dan's waist and his fingers are stretched, nearing his bellybuttom that was pierced and Phil hadn't noticed earlier. Dan's skin is soft, very soft, he must use those shower gels Daffy talks about from Lush and it's squishy and his stomach is pudgy and sticks out a fair bit but Phil's in awe of it all. 

 

"This is a nice photo" Dan comments and reaches up to show it to Phil who nods. It is a nice photo and Phil's not a fan of photos involving him but Dan is positively beaming and he's only just past Phil's shoulders in height. "Here gimme your number and I'll send it to you"

 

Phil fumbles for a few seconds when getting his phone and handing it over to Dan who quickly sends a text to himself. He hands the phone back to Phil who glances at the message Dan sent to himself which read 'hello gorgeous' which is something Phil would never send even though he does think Dan is gorgeous, more than gorgeous. Phil can't think of a word to describe Dan but he deserves more than gorgeous. His phone buzzes in his hand and the photo Dan took is filling his screen. 

They walk and talk for another hour or so before Dan decides to drive Phil home explaining that he has work in the morning. Phil folds himself in the slightly too small car and smiles as the same CD as before immediately starts playing and Dan's mouthing along to the words again.

 

Phil sits in the courtyard before school starts waiting for his friends to arrive. He's always the first to arrive and now he's listening to The Front Bottoms which he downloaded almost as soon as he got home. 

 

"How was your date?" Matt asks as he chucks his bag carelessly on the ground next to his seat "Was it worth ditching me?"

"Um, I don't know what you want me to say"

"I want you to say yes!" Matt exclaims "You went on a date that I didn't set you up on!"

"I didn't know it was a date at first"

"Of course you didn't" Matt shakes his head. Daffy climbs over the back of the seat and sits across from Phil. He felt like he was being interogated. "So what did you do?"

"He took me to the fair" Phil says

"HE?!" Daffy all but shouts "You went on a date with a boy?"

"Is that a bad thing?" Phil asks nervously

"No" Daffy immediately says "It's not a bad thing at all, just unexpected"

"Yeah, we don't mind if you're gay" Matt adds

"I'm not gay" Phil frowns slightly "I just went on a date with a boy"

"Okay, so what else did you do on your date" Matt asks

"He won me a stuffed elephant" Phil smiles at the memory. The toy is sitting next to his bed. "I named it Buffy"

"No surprises there" Daffy giggles "What does he look like?"

Phil bit his lip. He knows his friends are openminded but are they still willing to accept a boy who identifies as a boy wearing skirts and crop tops. 

"He's small" Phil starts off slowly "About up to my shoulder and he's kinda chubby"

"And what else?"

"He's the boy I saw in the bathroom wearing panties" Phil admits 

"Wait" Matt says trying to gather his thoughts "You went on a date with purple panties boy?"

"Yes"

"Do you have a picture?" he questions 

"No!" Phil gasps "Why would I have a picture of his bottom?"

"Not of that, you idiot" Matt smacks him on the arm "Did you take a picture of him?"

"No" Phil turns his phone on and pulls up the picture Dan took "But he took one of us in a mirror and sent it to me"

He slides his phone across the table to Daffy and Matt who zoom in and try to analyse every detail of the photo. 

"I give him props for wearing that crop top" Daffy glances up "I could never have that much confidence to pull one off with so much chub"

"Jesus, Phil, you're a fucking giant" Matt laughs loudly but it wasn't as nice as Dan's. "You could wear him like a backpack"

"Hey! This is the guy from the coffee shop!" Daffy realises "Dude, he's so pretty"

"He's very pretty" Phil agrees taking his phone back "He texted me asking if I wanted to go out again"

"What did you say?" Daffy asks eagerly 

"I said yes"

 

Dan comes over to Phil's house that Friday night because Phil has admitted to feeling a little too anxious to leaving the house. Dan immediately said it was fine but would still like to see him if Phil wanted his presence. Phil was holed up in his bedroom making sure it was somewhat neat. His mum was home much to his embarrassment and he prayed that she wouldn't say anything about what Dan was wearing. 

His phone buzzed on his nightstand and he reaches over with his long arms and grabs it. It was Dan texting him that he was outside so Phil quickly rushed down the stairs, being careful not to trip over his feet or anything really. He tried to not appear too eager as he flung the front door open to reveal Dan wearing yet another crop top but a different one from their first date and a pair of black leggings that showed off his luscious thighs. He had one hand against the brick wall beside the front door as he unbuckled his sandals.

 

"Hey!" Dan grinned wildly putting his sandals neatly to the side "When you said just hanging out I didn't know how casual that meant"

"You look great" Phil blurts out and blushes as soon as the words leave his mouth. He gestures to his own attire of baggy tracksuit pants and an old Call Of Duty shirt. "Better than me"

"No, you look great as well" Dan tells him and steps inside "Wow, you're house is lovely"

"Thanks" he replies shortly not sure what else to say. "Um, my bedroom is just up the stairs so shall we"

"We shall" Phil turns to lead Dan up the stairs but is prompty stopped by the voice of his mother. Phil slowly turns around and looks down at his tiny mum, she was smaller than Dan! 

"And this must be Dan?" she smiles and holds out a hand for Dan to shake "I'm Phil's mum"

"Hi" Dan says brightly in a way that makes Phil jealous that he can't talk to strangers like that "Yes, I'm Dan. It's nice to meet you"

"You as well" Phil's mum replies "Have fun, leave the door open"

"Mum!" Phil's mortified at even the mere thought that she thinks they might be doing stuff like that. "It's not like that"

"It really isn't" Dan smiles at her "Thank you for the concern"

 

Dan likes Phil's room. He tells him so. It's not very big but it's big enough for a 6'5 teenager and a friend or two. His bed is long and when Dan comments about it, Phil blushes again. 

 

"I'm just tall" Phil mumbles as he sits down on the bed

"Oh, it's not a bad thing" Dan assures "I like how long it is and I like how tall you are"

"Thanks"

"You're very welcome" Dan leans back onto Phil's bed and looks up at the ceiling. "Oh! You have those glow in the dark stars up there!"

"My dad put them there when I was younger"

"Space is so cool" Dan continues "There's this big planetarium in the town over that just opened and I've been dying to go"

"You're a space kid?" Phil asks intrigued by this new found knowledge

"Told you I was a nerd" Dan laughs softly "So, what are we doing?"

"Um" Phil thinks "I didn't think this far ahead"

"That's alright" Dan smiles again "Come lie with me on your bed and we can talk until you think of something to do"

 

Phil awkwardly lays down next to Dan, leaving a noticeable gap in between them. He's rigid and somewhat uncomfortable but not in the way where he's uncomfortable to be lying down next to Dan, just in an overall kind of way where he's never had someone apart from Matt and Daffy in his room. 

 

"I apologise if I ever make you uncomfortable by the way" Dan turns his head slightly "I'm very straight forward"

"It's okay"

"Just tell me yeah?"

"I will"

"Good" Dan pauses "How old are you? I don't think we ever discussed that"

"I'm 18" Phil's hesitant about telling Dan his age

"Oh good, you're legal" Dan gives a few breathy laughs "I'm 20 by the way"

"I didn't expect you to be 20" Phil confesses

"Really?" Dan asks "How old do I look?"

"I didn't think of you with an age" Phil says after thinking about it "Kinda figured you were like an immortal being or something"

"I like that idea" Dan smiles "An immortal being, so tell me, Blue, would you also be an immortal being"

"No, I think I'll probably die falling down the stairs or something" Phil didn't expect Dan to let out another laugh, especially one not as loud and boisterous as it was but Phil was mesmerised at how his whole body moved with each laugh, how his thighs and stomach jiggled as he did so.

"You're funny, Blue"

 

And that one sentence meant the entire world to Phil. 

 

Being as freakishly tall as he is, Phil tends to stick out in the halls but he's enough of a nobody that no one really pays much attention once they realise who it is. He's definitely the tallest kid at school and he wishes he wasn't. 

But for once the attention was averted from his tallness and focusing on the boy wearing extremely short, high waisted shorts and something Phil now knows as a bralette thanks to Daffy as well as thigh high white socks and black Doc Martens and of course the infamous heart shaped sunglasses. He's leaning against his car outside the school with a small smile playing on his purple lips. Phil's heart skips a beat. 

 

"Blue!" Dan calls out and many heads swivel towards Dan, not that they weren't looking before "C'mon! We're gonna get ice cream"

 

Phil looks at his shoes as he shuffles his feet across the cement to Dan's car. He's pretty sure nearly all the attention is now on him as he reaches Dan's car and he doesn't like the feeling at all. He can feel his heart race with anxiety and he just wants to go home and watch some of his favourite movies to calm himself down but Dan's slipped his smaller hand into his large one and now he's embarrassed about how clammy they are but Dan doesn't say anything. 

 

"You okay to get ice cream with me?" Dan asks cautiously "Sorry if this is a bit sudden and out there"

"It's okay" Phil lets out a shuddery breath "I want to get ice cream with you"

"Good" Dan squeezes his hand and lets go to walk around to the other side of the car. Phil opens his own door and is relieved when the seat is already pushed back to accommodate his legs. 

 

Phil hasn't been to the ice cream shop in years, he used to go all the time but then he just stopped going. It looks exactly how he remembers it and he finds comfort in knowing it hasn't changed. 

He's on edge as he and Dan wait in line and look at the large array of flavours to choose from. He's tossing up between chocolate and standard vanilla because he's a very plain sort of guy when Dan nudges him. He stands on the tips of his toes and Phil leans down a little to make it easier as he starts talking softly. 

 

"What would you like? I'll order" Dan asks and Phil has never been so thankful. He tells him that he'd like vanilla and Dan nods and steps forward. "I'll have two scoops of cookie dough in a cup and two scoops of vanilla in another, thank you"

 

Dan's leaning against the table on one of his elbows, slightly slouched in his chair compared to Phil sitting straight as a board with one hand in his lap. He can't tell if the silence between them is awkward or not but Phil being Phil, it's probably an awkward one. 

Dan doesn't seem awkward though. In fact, he's smiling at Phil and letting his eyes flicker to meet his every once in a while. 

 

"Ice cream is one of my favourtie foods" Dan comments "Food is great"

"Yeah" Phil's not sure what to say "My mum makes me a lot of food because apparently I have to eat a lot because of my height"

"I can see that" Dan smiles again, he never really stopped. "I eat because I like food"

"Everyone likes food"

"I used to loathe food" Dan's smile disappears for the first time since he picked Phil up from school "Used to not eat for days"

"Days?"

"Days" Dan nods "I was really sick like mentally and physically for years. Eating disorder stuff"

"You had an eating disorder?" Phil asks incredulously "But you're so" Phil's not sure how to finish his sentence without accidentally offending him, he's done it before. 

"Chubby?" Dan chuckles "Yeah, people find it hard to believe but it took over seven years for me to be happy with my body and this is what I'm happy with. I love my jiggly thighs and big tummy and I like showing them off"

"You look beautiful" Phil says before he could stop himself 

"Thank you" Dan smiles again and reaches over the table to touch his hand.

 

Phil is confused. His mind is disorganised and scattered and he has a million thoughts happening at once and he doesn't know what to do. He's never thought this deeply about himself before, he feels like he doesn't know who he is anymore, like there's a few thousand of him that he hasn't met. 

His parents are out so he's home alone and he really shouldn't be alone right now because he can't fucking breathe and it's making him panic even more than he previously was.   
All these thoughts about who he is as a person is making him incredibly anxious and he just wants it to stop but it won't. His chest is tight and his heart is racing but not in a good way. This isn't the same heart racing he feels when he sees Dan. His eyes are stinging with unshed tears and his head is aching and he feels like he's going to pass out soon if he can't catch a breath. 

He doesn't understand himself and he doesn't know what he is. He's not confident in himself like Dan is and he doesn't know himself like Dan does. Dan is who he wants to be, someone who has themselves figured out and is just content with who they are. But he's not and it's making him feel restless. 

He likes having labels on himself because it makes him feel secure. Dan says he's attracted to boys but doesn't really put a label on it because he likes feeling free spirited but Phil's the exact opposite. He needs a label on everything just so he can get through day to day life and now he doesn't have one for himself. He did once upon a time but then he saw Dan bending over in those stupid purple lace panties and his gorgeous face and confidence and spontaneous attitude and it turned his life around and he likes it but he's also deathly afraid. 

Before Dan, he considered himself straight because it was the norm, everyone around him was straight and he wasn't taught anything about sexualities and gender until now and it makes him distressed. Because he's never been attracted to anyone before, he's never had a crush and he's never been interested in dating and he's never liked the idea of kissing someone or even hugging someone in an intimate way. He likes being close to people, he likes it when Daffy hugs him in the mornings before class because it's a platonic thing and he likes it when she jokingly kisses his cheek when he does something for her. He likes the bond he has between Matt and Daffy because they're his best friends.   
But Dan is different. Because Phil likes Dan. Phil likes Dan's smile and how there's a tiny gap between his two front teeth and how his lips are painted shades of pink, red and purples. He likes how Dan's eyes light up when he talks because not many people are interested in what Phil has to say but Dan takes it all in and asks him questions and it makes his stomach feel tingly. He likes how short Dan is, how he always has to look down and Dan looks up so they can make eye contact. He likes that Dan wears skirts and crop tops and 'girly' jumpers and clothes in general just because he likes them and feels good in them, he likes Dan's confidence he carries. He likes the feeling in his stomach he gets whenever Dan texts him, they talk for hours on end every night and even throughout the day. He likes how Dan makes him laugh because Dan is hilarious and he likes that Dan laughs at his jokes even though they're almost always terrible puns. 

 

He really likes Dan, really really likes Dan but it hurts him because he doesn't want to like Dan. 

 

Dan shows up outside Phil's school again two weeks after Phil's mental breakdown. Phil can spot him from the entrance to the school building and he's tempted to turn around and walk back in and sit in the library until it closes. But he doesn't. 

Instead he doesn't make eye contact with Dan and walks on the opposite side of the path to avoid him. He knows it's pretty stupid to think that Dan won't see him, he thinks that Dan could find him even in a room full of 6'5 people, so he knows that Dan is watching him walk and purposely avoid him. 

He keeps walking on the other side of the road with his head down and pretending like he doesn't know that Dan is following him. He doesn't look up when the black sneakers Dan was wearing rush past and stop in front of him making Phil stop in his tracks. He doesn't look up until Dan asks him too, desperation clear in his voice.   
He hasn't seen Dan in all black before but here he is wearing a pair of leggings that are stretched and worn out at the ends, black sneakers that have seen better days and an oversized black hoodie. Yet he still looks beautiful. 

 

"Why are you avoiding me?" Dan asks and his eyes are sad, they don't hold the light that Phil likes. In a terrible way, Phil is glad. 

"I'm not" Phil mutters shoving his hands into his school blazer pockets "I need to go home"

"Just talk to me" Dan begs "Please"

"I don't want to talk to you"

"Just tell me what I did" Dan sniffs slightly and it punctures a hole in his heart. He made Dan make that sound. 

"Nothing" Phil doesn't look at him. 

"It can't be nothing!" Dan cries out "If I had done nothing we'd still be talking and we'd be lying on your bed together talking about whatever! I obviously did something to make you stop talking to me!"

"Fine" Phil gives in, he can never say 'no' to Dan. "It's you!"

"What about me?"

"You!" Phil gestures to the entirety of Dan with one hand "All of you"

"I don't understand" Dan's tearing up but he doesn't want Phil to know. 

"You make me confused" Phil tries to explain "I don't know why I like you"

"You don't know why you like me?" Dan repeats, hurt evident in his voice. Phil nods. "I still don't understand"

"I don't want to like you" Phil says and it comes out harsher than he meant it to but maybe harsh is what he needs. "My life was so simple before you waltzed into it"

"You don't want to like me?" Dan echoes "Why? Why would you say that? You know I like you! You fucking know that! You fucking know that I like you! That's why I want to spend time with you! I fucking like you!"

"And I don't like you" Phil maintains a calm but stern voice as he lies through his teeth, something he didn't know he was capable of. "And I don't think I ever will"

"Fuck you" Dan's hurt voice turns to anger and his eyes have a light behind them again but it's not the same light, it's rage. "I thought we had something, I thought we could be something but why the fuck would I want to be with someone who doesn't want to like me. Fuck you, Phil Lester"

 

Dan storms off back to his car without looking back and roughly jerks the door of his car open and slamming it shut again before driving off. Phil's still standing on the footpath trying to gather his thoughts about what happened. He didn't mean for the last sentence to come out, it was heat of the moment and he was angry, he wasn't angry at Dan, more so at himself because why can't he be fucking normal. He's sad as well, he didn't know which hurt more, Dan being angry and swearing at him or for the first time ever calling him by his actual name. 

 

Phil walks back home slowly and thinks more about what happened. He was scared, he was anxious and he was certain that he likes Dan, in a slightly more than platonic way. But he doesn't like the idea of being with Dan in a way that he sees in the movies, he can't imagine him lying in bed, naked, with Dan, can't imagine doing anything more than cuddling with Dan, can't imagine saying the things Dan has told him other people have said to him. It makes his skin crawl. He doesn't want that sort of thing but what kind of relationship doesn't have those? He's never heard of a relationship without sex and he doesn't want that! He's never wanted it and it's an alien feeling because no one can relate to what he feels. 

He's wallowing in self pity and his parents have asked multiple times if he's okay but he shrugs them off and just listens to his music on shuffle as he stares at the glow in the dark stars on his ceiling. He feels upset because his anxiety got the best of him once again and he's pretty sure Dan hates him. He rolls over when the chords of a song he's become so familiar with over the past month or so starts playing. The song that Dan was mouthing in the car on their first date. 

Sighing loudly he rolls over again to reach for his laptop on his nightstand, where Buffy the Elephant leans against the wall to balance and he bites his tongue as he brings up Google to see what was wrong with him. 

He spends hours searching for this thing he doesn't even know exists. He tries varirations of what he feels, 'i don't look at someone the same way they look at me', 'i'm not attracted to someone who is attracted to me' and 'i've never had a crush before what do i do' are some of the things he tries but they didn't bring up anything that helped him. He rests his chin in the palm of his hand as it leans on his knee and uses his other hand to scroll through forums and websites looking for something that can be of use to him. He's looked at all the websites on the first page of google and even goes to the second out of desperation. 

Finally he tries 'I don't like sex' and he's embarrassed to think about how long it took him to type that simple three letter word because it made him so uncomfortable. The first few websites are from womens magazines about how to spruce up their sex lives with their husbands and then he stops. 

He reads the word over and over again. He knows this word, he's studied this word before but it was in a fucking biology class, this word was correlated to plants not humans. But there it was, asexuality. 

He knew what asexual meant in plant terminology, how some plants use asexual reproduction to produce new individuals without the fusion of gametes and create a genetically idential plant to the 'parent' but he didn't even know the word could mean anything else. 

He clicks on it and his heart races nervously, he's so nervous. It's scary and he's terrified. His hands are sweaty and he wipes them on his pants and brings his knuckles up to his mouth and presses against them. 

'Asexuality is a sexual orientation characterised by a persistant lack of sexual attraction towards any gender'. And suddenly everything settles because holy shit there's a fucking word for what he feels. 'At least 1% of people are believed to be asexual' Phil's mind races at the thought of other people like him, other people feel the same things he does. 

He keeps reading the forum and everything starts to fall into place and he feels somewhat okay. He reads that even though he doesn't experience sexual attraction he can still feel attracted to someone. He starts smiling because he can like Dan without wanting to have sex with him but as fast as the thought comes, it leaves faster. Dan hates him. 

Suddenly he doesn't feel so optimistic anymore. He closes his laptop without closing any of the websites, turns the music off and faces down into the mattress so he can't see those stars on his ceiling. He doesn't want to think about Dan but of course he's the one thing he never stops thinking about. 

 

Dan doesn't text Phil and Phil doesn't make a move to text first. He's still trying to come to terms with being asexual, wondering how Dan would take it, if they ever spoke again. His days are blurred together, full of curious questions from Matt and Daffy, homework assignments and upcoming final exams. He goes to school and he comes home from school and that's about it. 

He wonders how Dan is doing. What exciting life does Dan live? And it makes him think, even though Dan has said that he likes Phil in more of a platonic way and Phil shares a mutual feeling, they don't know that much about each other. He doesn't know Dan's favourite colour, he doesn't know what his favourite video game is, fuck he doesn't even know where Dan works! 

A week passes with no communication and that week turns into two weeks and then into three and barely starts a fourth until Phil gets a sudden burst of confidence and texts Dan asking to meet at the coffee shop off the main road. He's come to realise that Dan is the only person he's ever liked and probably ever will and that Dan is the only person who has ever liked him and has even seemed interested in getting to know him. Dan's the only person who makes his heart race, the only person he's ever had a crush on and the only person that makes butterflies appear in his tummy. He couldn't let him go, not after all this. 

He wants a relationship, this much he knows for sure, he just doesn't want to have sex. He eats his cereal at the breakfast bar in his families kitchen and he watches his Mum and Dad interact with eachother, how his mum smiles widely whenever his Dad looks over her shoulder to see how the bacon is coming along on the stove, how he kisses her cheek when she places it on the table and thanks her for another fantastic meal and how lucky he was to marry his best friend. He wants that. 

His phone buzzes late at night the same day he texted Dan and he scrambles to get it, almost dropping it in his haste but succeeds in holding onto it. He squints at the brightness but Dan's name is displayed on his phone with a one word answer, lowercase lettering and a full stop. okay. 

They meet the next day so Phil's anxiety doesn't make the situation worse. Dan's wearing leggings again and an oversized black and white striped jumper that cover his hands, heart sunglasses pushed into his hair and looking as beautiful as ever. Phil feels underdressed as he walks over to the table and sits down, knees banging the table and causing the small cup of salt and sugar packets to tople over which he shakily cleans up with his abnormally long and thing fingers that remind him of those spiders. 

 

"I'm sorry" Phil says as soon as the salt and sugar packets are back in the cup

"It's okay" Dan shrugs "I'm sure lots of people knock those over"

"Not about that" Phil's sitting on his hands so Dan can't see how much they're shaking "About what happened, between us"

"Was there ever an 'us'" Dan asks using airquotes on 'us' 

"I don't know" Phil admitted "I didn't mean to say I didn't like you or want to like you"

"Then why did you?" Dan questions. It may be the lighting of the cafe but his eyes are suddenly glossier "I thought we had something, you really hurt my feelings"

"I didn't mean to" Phil pushes his fringe to the side, a little nervous tic of his that he does without realising "I was scared"

"Scared" Dan repeats suddenly looking concerned rather than hurt. 

"Yeah" Phil sighs "It's all new to me, this and having someone that aren't my friends at school wanting to hang out with me all time, I didn't know what to do, I panic easily as you've probably noticed" Dan nods "And I was confused about my feelings and who I was and it was scary" Dan opens his mouth to say something but Phil quickly continues talking "After that day where I said, those things, I went home and tried to find out what was wrong with me and I found it, I found out why I'm the way I am"

"Nothing is wrong with you" Dan cuts in "Nothing will ever be wrong with you"

"Dan" Phil takes a deep breath. He can do this, he's going to do this before he chickens out "I'm asexual, that's what I found out"

"You found out you were asexual?" Dan asks and suddenly he's leaning forward with his elbows on the table and the heel of his hands are pressing into his eyes almost like he was...crying. "Phil, I already knew that or well I assumed you were and you didn't even know yourself, I feel so bad for assuming things"

"You knew before me" Phil's kind of speechless "Wait, why are you crying?"

"Because" Dan moves his hands away from his eyes and uses a napkin on the table to dab at them "All this time I thought you were asexual and I was fine with that, I didn't care that you wouldn't want to have sex with me! I liked you, I still fucking like you even after what happened, and when you said those things I just thought you wouldn't want to be in a relationship with me even without the sexual stuff but I thought we had something"

"You're the first person I've ever liked" Phil confesses and he reaches across the table to place a shaky hand on top of Dan's, who immediately grips it back and doesn't seem to want to let go. Dan's nails sparkle as he rubs a small circle onto Phil's skin to comfort him. "That's why I was scared, I've never liked someone as much as I like you before"

"I've never liked someone as much as I like you before either" Dan smiles "I just thought you knew who you were, I feel like such a dick"

"I thought you'd want to have sex with me" Phil speaks "I don't want to do that, ever, and you're so beauiful and deserve so much more than me and you've talked about doing" Phil hesitates on the word, they've said it to many times in the last 10 minutes and he doesn't want to keep saying it. "It"

"You're the first guy to ever treat me like a person and not a fetish" Dan says sadly "I was just a quick session for everyone else, a one night stand, something to satisfy someone's fetishes of cross dressing and bigger people and I just let it happen because I didn't think there was anyone out there for me" Dan lets go of Phil's hand to bring his pointer fingers to his eyes as he drags them along his waterline and looks at the celing "And then I met you"

 

Phil gives a shy smile as Dan reconnects their hands and he really likes this. He likes this type of intimacy, he could definitely get used to this. 

 

"When you saw me in the bathroom" Dan clears his throat softly and starts again "When you saw me in the bathroom and I was bending over, I was feeling like shit because someone wanted me to blow them and I did it because I didn't care about myself in that way but they paid me, they threw money at me and I felt disgusting and used so I left the money behind and cleaned my knees and then you walked in"

"I still feel bad about looking" Phil admits "I didn't mean to"

"I know, I know you didn't mean to" Dan promises and squeezed his hands. "I really like you, Blue, and I want to be with you"

"I want to be with you too, Dan" Phil says "I just can't give you what everyone else can"

"I don't care, I swear to every god there is, I don't care, I can live without it, I just want to be with you and feel like a person for once"

Phil bites down a grin that wanted to spread across his face but he nods bashfully. 

"Would you like to go to the planetarium with me?" Phil asks "I can drive us"

"As in, a date?" Dan asks, a smile appearing on his face

"A date" Phil confirms 

"We'll do this right this time" Dan says "We're on the same page now"

 

Phil just hopes that their story doesn't end any time soon.

**Author's Note:**

> feedback is much appreciated!


End file.
